Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
These tits shall not be calmed
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize