if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
