his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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