This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the room spins SO much faster in panama
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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