Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
