I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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