You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
