I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
