You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm always down for nudity.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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