At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We have so much sex to catch up on
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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