Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
