My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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