my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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