since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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