I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
