I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
