i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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