the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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