DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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