I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
