Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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