He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
