I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
