We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
