I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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