This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
