I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
