sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize