Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
