While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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