6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
