Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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