i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
