Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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