enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
