Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
false alarm. still invincible.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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