All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
