I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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