My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
