I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
