Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
