Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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