whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
