shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
