I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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