If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
