3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
