I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
