whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
