We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
